I Can Talk About It, I Can Finally Live It

It wasn't too long ago that I wasn't living this, couldn't talk about this, and all of this was merely an idea in my head. It was an idea that seemed so distant and unrealistic, almost a fantasy one can say.

When I first proposed the idea of coming to Israel to serve in the IDF to my parents, it was all I can talk about. There were moments where I wanted to leave school right away, and come to Israel. For a few weeks straight, whenever I talked to my parents, this was all I can talk about, simply because it was the only thing on my mind. Once we decided together, that it was best that I first finish school before coming to serve, I still couldn't stop talking about this. It got to a point, understandably so, that my words were meaningless because I was constantly talking about something that was going to happen years in the future, if at all. My parents then asked, realizing that this was consuming my life, and realizing that I am talking about a distant dream rather than living life in the moment, that I stop talking about this until I have to.

From that moment, until a year before I came to Israel, I didn't talk about this at all. It was over a year where this idea was just simply an idea, and where this idea felt more like a dream than my future. As it was something on my mind for a long time, and since I didn't talk about it, I felt as if I was walking around life missing a big part of my identity, not feeling able to talk about something that was constantly on my mind.

Once I finally started talking about this, and sharing with friends and family my desire to come to Israel to serve, it all still didn't feel real. I was talking about this distant idea, one that few people do. I was finally able to talk about it, since it was not too far into the future, but it still didn't feel real, and it still felt as if I was talking about a dream.

After over a year of not mentioning anything about coming to Israel to serve, and the idea being able to sit quietly in my mind, the idea became a fantasy and placed in some alternate world that I was living. Once I began talking about it, I had a hard time reconciling the dream with the reality, and coming to the understanding that this is no longer going to be an idea, but rather my future.

When I arrived in Israel a few months ago, everything felt a bit more real, but I still couldn't imagine myself in uniform. This was still all one big idea, that was happening, but didn't feel real at the time. As the last few months have gone by, and I have seen some of my friends enter the IDF throughout the last few weeks, coming back in uniform, this has felt a lot more real.

Now, a day away from my draft, and a day away from starting this new and wild chapter of my life, I finally feel as if I am living the fantasy. What was once just in my head will now be on the ground, in some base in Israel, where I will live out my idea. None of this will be perfect, and I expect it to be one of if not the hardest things I have ever done. I expect to miss home, have a hard time adjusting to the army, talking in Hebrew 24/7 with the other Israelis in the army, and adjusting to the random things that life in the IDF will throw my way. Nonetheless, I am excited to draft tomorrow, and I am still in shock that not only can I talk about this, but I am living it.